All Books

(retired) will use monthly learnings for future lessons

• Test
• Books to read
  • Power of now
• Movies to watch
  • Results
  • Soul
  • Nobody
  • Inside out (watch again)
  • Nacros-saints
• Ask more questions, really try to understand the other person. Know that you have different life experiences leading to different interpretations

• Code LUCIEFER
  • I might have sunk into a situation too much
  • Write a summary of all the events that happened, facts about current situation
  • Create a list of pros and cons of a decision
  • Create a big picture of where what decision might lead to, don’t get caught up in details
  • be clear of what I want

Initial Period of Dating

• Don’t ask directly what a girl wants, she will think that I’ll pretend to be that
• figure out what she wants through other methods
• laughing too much and childish jokes will make me feel like a younger brother than partner
• Busy with life but sparing 2-3 days, shows her importance while showing not giving up on work,让自己变得充实、不内耗。
• 因为内耗浪费的是自己的时间‼️
• 慢慢来，多聊聊女生喜欢的话题，多观察对方。再从这中间的内容提取 她 的爱好、性格、三观。
• 一定要她喜欢你这个人本身表现出的感觉，而不是去问她想要什么样的人。做自己。
• don’t ask questions that are too direct, figure out her personality through conversation
• you can never change a person’s 本性

• Lily discussion on sex education
  • kissing
    • approach slowly, build tension
    • slow kiss
  • touch
    • gentle, slow, little pressure
    • ask for permission, can I?
    • fingers curved towards front
  • sex
    • start slow
    • 3-5min break with kiss & change pos

12.9

• Negative energy that enlarges negative feelings, in subconscious (Book: the power of now)
  • Remembering past and getting regrets
  • Fearing the future
  • Attacking oneself (feeling worthless)
  • Attacking others (feeling world is bad)
• Have to break through of these
  • We did best decision at that time, if past reoccurs again then we’ll make same decisions, destiny, put down the past as remembering past to use it as resource
  • All of the future is created by us now, choose which (path and its respective outcome) wave function to collapse to
  • Your life is sacred, your life unique and most important (like universe), put yourself first, focus on yourself, everything should serve you (from your point of view). Everyone should be most important in their life
  • Everyone is a sacred person
• These negative energies are not me

• Always try to clearly see yourself
• Realistic situation vs Mental situation (clock time vs mental time)
• Status Adjustment
  • Connect with the inner body (observe the physical body, focus on breathing, breathing in imagine gathering all the energy, breathing out imagine all toxic going out)

6.10

• Let others be allowed to be themselves
• Start with emotions when talking
• Past stories -> past emotions

• Repeat what the other said
• Summarize the other persons emotions
• Compliment
• If I were you would be same emotion, I also had similar situation…
• Ask for others opinion / emotions after telling about something similar

26.11

• once we completely accept ourselves the energy will grow again and motivation will come
• The first 5 min meeting a new person is the most important, only focus on them

• Everything has a foundation
• Foundation (base) of relationships
  • Competition
  • Cooperation, collaboration
  • Oneness
• Oneness
  • Being one as a group
  • Have to love yourself to also “love” the other, as you’re also part of it
  • You can scale the size of oneness depending on your capabilities
  • Life instinct is the big “Me” in oneness
• Law of attraction
  • Energy starting from the inside, subconscious
  • You develop a subconscious that will try to lead you to the right way
  • Will do more things that might take you to that direction
  • The resources are already out there but you will start seeing it
• How to pray
  • With gratitude
  • Let “god” handle it as you did your best and say thanks

28.11

• your inner self is what your imagination thinks
• If your inner is great, you’ll also feel great doing things
• If your inner is sad, you’ll also do badly
• The present me creates the inner world with imagination
• You are free to create how your inner world should be like
• Your emotions enrich how your inner self is

• If your relationships are in your inner world its oneness
• You are free how to interpret relationships with others, you good me good or other combos

6.12

• Different kinds of friends
  • To play together, do stuff together, socialize
  • Trust, Talk together
  • With stakes, do business together
  • Romantic relationship
  • Oneness
• Have trust in yourself, know that you’re good no matter what happens
• The other person is always good

• The other person does not need to be rescued
• Every person is equally good and strong
• The other person does not see the good in themselves

Four methods

• Listen carefully
  • Don’t judge, don’t explain, don’t further ask
  • Repeat what they say
  • Ask: and then, what happens next
  • Use our words to summarize what the other person said and felt
  • I want to make sure that I understood correctly …
• Empathy
  • Use their words to express their feelings
  • Use our words to express their feelings
  • I heard you say …
  • Find the good in the scene
• Ability to see
  • I am curious with what energy did you overcome it?
  • Smart, courage, kind, loving, knowledgeable
• Professional knowledge
• Something that left a deep impression on you (Eindurck)
• what are your feelings
• what does it mean to you
• what brought you to grow
• How do we want to be grateful for this experience right now?

• Don’t tell a girl that you’re interested, show it to her (she doesn’t know what the relationship status is and is hooked)
• “Spontaneous dates” and not planned ahead

• coping with the problem is an issue
• we’re scared of the solution instead of the problem

psychology of persuasion:

• if you understand the science of language you can communicate much more effectively
  Turn actions into identity
• Would you mind being a helper vs. Hey can you help clean up
  Show confidence
• communicate with certain language
  Eliminate fillers
• don’t use uhm ah, just try pausing
• record yourself taking and look at what you’re saying

• Don’t half-ass it
• Just keep livin
• If you’re not taking risk you’re on the sideline
• Sometimes which choise you make is not as important as making a choice and committing to it

• Happy marriages are based on deep friendship
• Mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company
• Well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams
• Friendship fuels the flames of romance
• purpose of marriage to support each other’s hopes and build a sense of purpose
• Understand the bottom-line differences that causes the conflict and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.

3. How I Predict divorce

1. Harsh Start-Up

• the way a problem is addressed
• negative power in the words
• sarcasm

2. The 4 Horsemen (lethal to a relationship)

• Criticism
  • Difference between complaint and criticism
  • complaint focuses on specific behavior or event
  • 1. How I feel, 2. About a very specific situation 3. What I need/want/prefer
  • Criticism is global and expresses negative feelings about others character or personality
• Contempt
  • A sense of superiority over another
  • name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humor
  • when goal is not to resolve issue but to dress someone down
  • contemptuous couples more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (flu, colds)
• Defensiveness
  • Defending oneself rarely has the desired effect, it is a way of blaming your partner
  • Other person won’t acknowledge the defense
• Stonewalling
  • Act as though one couldn’t care less about what is being said

3. Flooding

• Happens when physically or psychologically overwhelmed
• more hypervigilant for cues that other person is about to “blow” again

4. Body language

• physically distressing flooding -> heart rate 100+ bpm
• Adrenaline and high blood pressure
• impossible to have productive discussion when one is in fight or flight mode
• ability to process information is reduced, harder to pay attention and less creative and humor
• fight (critical, contemptuous or defensive) of flee (stonewall)

• Female soothe quicker and calm down faster after stress because of natural selection (more relaxed more milk)
• Male cardiovascular system remains more active and slower to recover from stress
• Males are 85% the ones to stonewall
• Men are more easily overwhelmed by martial conflict

Occasional flooding is normal
If feeling flooded routinely -> emotional distancing -> feeling lonely -> emotionally disconnected -> given up

5. Failed repair attempts

• Repair attempts decrease emotional tensions, lower stress levels and it’s negative effects
• Failure of repair predict 90+% of divorces
• Even if four Horsemen are high but gets repaired, 84% of couples were still stable & happily married after 6 years

6. Bad Memories

• With negativity the past might be rewritten, more bad memories, distorted memories
• happy marriages look back on the early days fondly

1. See martial problems as severe 2. talking seems useless, solve on their own 3. lead parallel lives 4. loneliness sets in

• betrayal is usually a symptom of a dying marriage
• how you engage with each other when not fighting is more important than conflict resolution
• strengthen friendship and trust are at the heart of any marriage

4. Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

• need to have space for basics of wife’s world and not caught up in work, even if intellectually gifted
• pay attention to details of spouse’s life
• emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world, love maps
• knowledge springs love and fortitude to weather marital storms
• 67% drop in marital satisfaction after first time becoming parents (big life changes)
• always make each other their priority always talking and catch up on each other’s day
• having a child reshuffles women’s values and notion of who they are
• stay deeply connected to keep up to date to changes
• Know each other with question games
• To Know You is to Love You
• It’s a lifelong process

5. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

• Fondness and admiration are two most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance
• Feel that the other is worthy of honor and respect
• query them about the past to detect embers of positive feelings
• get habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate
• tell them what you observed and that you are grateful for
• if you are angry or stressed you tend to focus on negative characteristics
• focus on your partners positive characteristics

6. Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

• Couples who engage in lots of interactions tend to remain happy
• Turning toward each other
• let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life
• turning towards each other funds emotional bank account
• 1. Missing a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion
  • not recognize a bid for connection because it comes as criticism
  • respond by oh, you’re right, sorry
  • before replying defensively, pause, search for a bid underneath the harsh words, focus on the bid
• 2. Being distracted by the wired world
  • addiction in which distraction itself becomes a habit
  • intimate relationship requires habit of being aware and paying attention
  • mobile devices enable turning away
  • couples ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness and not malice
• keep an account how much your partner has been connecting with you
• don’t turn it into a competition
• goal is to notice how your partner has been turning toward and giving
• listening to venting carefully, not really listening makes them feel more frustrated
• respond to each other’s venting with empathy and without judgment
• silver lining in partners negative emotion is to strengthen your trust by listening
• Stress Reducing Conversations
  • take turns
  • show genuine interest
  • don’t give unsolicited advice
    • don’t do something, just be there
    • she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion
    • Understanding must precede advice
    • only when you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma, only then is other open
  • communicate your understanding
  • Take your partner’s side
    • expressing support even if you think her perspective is unreasonable
  • express we against others attitude
  • show affection
  • validate emotions
• You’re obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?
• Coping with your partner’s sadness, fear and anger
  • acknowledge the difficulty
  • self-soothe
  • the goal is to understand
  • use explorative statements and open-ended questions
  • don’t ask why
  • bear witness
  • use your partner’s metaphors
  • ask what’s missing
  • don’t try to cheer up your partner
  • don’t ever tell your partner to calm down
  • search out the goal and obstacle
  • don’t minimize it
• honor and respect each other, able to appreciate each other’s point of view

7. Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

• men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships
• not willing to share power had an 81% chance to self-destruct
• most stable when husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife
• actively search for common ground
• women rarely responded with increasing negativity
• man uses one of the four horsemen to resist wife’s influence
• compliant wife who doesn’t feel empowered would likely become depressed
• figure out how to convey honor and respect
• loving and esteeming your spouse
• when man accept influence, he also strengthens friendship (open to learning)
• women tend to be more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings
• when young boys play, priority tends to be the game itself
• girlish games offer better preparation for marriage, focused on relationships
• biology is likely the cause for the difference
• boys only accept influence from boys when they play, girls accept from both genders equally
• no formal structure to interact until puberty
• 35% men are emotionally intelligent
• important how to honor and convey respect for wife
• men who accept influence are outstanding fathers
• one needs to yield in order to win
• 80% of time wife who brings up sticky martial issues, while men avoid discussing them
• let the other person feel what they say really counts
• if difficulty accepting influence
  • acknowledge this tendency
  • talk about it with your spouse
  • take responsibility for the difficulty of power-sharing
  • let partner gently point out instances where one was unwittingly domineering, defensive or disrespectful

8. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

• Marriage is a union of individuals who bring in their own opinions, personalities, quirks and values
• marital conflicts fall into solvable or perpetual problems
• important to identify, define disagreements, coping strategies depending which type of problem
• 69% of problems are perpetual
• can still remain very satisfied even with unmovable problems, find a way to deal with it so you don’t overwhelm
• live with it and approach it with good humor
• don’t need to resolve major marital conflicts for marriage to thrive
• how to deal with it
  • constantly working it out
  • keep acknowledging the problem & talk about it
  • prevent it from overwhelming the relationship
  • approach with humor
• being gridlocked can kill marriage
  • same conversation about it over and over again
  • make no headway
  • increasingly hurt, frustrated, and disrespectful to each other
  • “let’s just agree to disagree” won’t work, shoving it under the rug but the rug bunches
• avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement
• signs of gridlock
  • feel rejected by your partner
  • keep talking and make no headway
  • become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
  • discussing subject make you feel more frustrated and hurt
  • conversations about problem are devoid of humor, amusement or affection
  • become unbudgeable, vilify each other during conversations
  • turn more extreme in your views and less willing to compromise
  • disengage from each other emotionally
• the is a way out of gridlocks (principle 6)
  • motivation
  • willingness to explore the hidden issues
• unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlock
• In a disagreement try
  • soft start-up
  • effective use of repair attempts
  • monitor your physiology for warning signs of flooding
  • learn to compromise
  • become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections

Solvable problems

• Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets solved
• seem less painful, gut-wrenching or intense
• Driving too fast can be both solvable and perpetual
  • perpetual: arguing about bigger issues like trust, security, selfishness
  • solvable: situational, don’t vilify each other,
• if solvable are not solved it could turn into a perpetual problem
• Negative emotions are important
  • negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better
  • learn to express negative emotions allowing other to listen without feeling attacked
• No one is right
  • there are only 2 subjective ones
• Acceptance is crucial
  • it is impossible for someone to heed an advice unless they feel understood, respected and accepted
  • when feeling criticized, they will be unable to change, feel under siege and dig themselves in
  • communicate basic acceptance of your partners personality
  • the extra time of better wording is worth it
  • children thrive when we express our understanding and respect of their emotions
  • negative ones are ok to have, feel positive about themselves
• focus on fondness and admiration
  • partner’s shortcomings as amusing parts of the whole package
• For a marriage to go one, pardon each other and give up on past resentments

9. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

• respect each other and open to each other’s point of view, good basis to resolve differences
• lose your way when trying to persuade each other
• popular approach (by marital therapists) but many couples can’t do
  • put yourself in your partner’s shoes
  • listening intently
  • communicate with empathy
  • see dilemma from other persons perspective
• alternative way that also works
  • soften your start-up
  • learn to make and receive repair attempts
  • soothe yourself and each other
  • compromise
  • process any grievances

1. soften your start-up

• wife is likely to bring up touchy issues to push to resolve while husbands try to distance
• men tend to experience flooding more easily -> avoid confrontations
• absence of the four horsemen, no criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling
• harsh startup begin with four horsemen and leads to flooding, increased emotional distance
• taking some responsibility is very important for a soft start up
  • I share some responsibility for this …
  • Here’s how I feel …
  • about a specific situation
  • Here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need)
• focus on your negative emotions and look for the longing behind those feelings
• soft startup doesn’t need to be diplomatic, but absolutely no criticism or contempt
• if other person starts with a hard startup
  • make sure that other person is feeling known, respected and loved
  • let them know you accept their influence
• complying with minor requests avoids escalating situations
• A soft startup is the optimum strategy for resolving the conflict
• if too angry then best is not to discuss till calmed down
• Complain but don’t blame
  • simply complain about a particular situation but not partner’s personality
  • however justified blaming personality, it is not productive
• make statements that start with I instead of You
  • focus on how I feel than accusing other person
• Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge
• Be clear about your positive need
  • don’t expect them to be mind readers
• Be polite
• Be appreciative
  • if they handled better in past, appreciate what they did in past, you miss it
• Don’t store things up

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

• repair attempt de-escalates the tension, other person is more receptive to finding a compromise
• repair attempts get through if air hasn’t been clouded by negativity
• Getting the message through
  • state of relationship is what makes it effective or not
  • happy relationship, go through with ease
  • unhappy, fall on deaf ears
• repair attempts aren’t always sugarcoated
• listen to words than tone, can be negative delivery but is repair attempt (you’re getting off topic!)
• when engulfed in negativity
  • make attempts obviously formal
• I feel (more examples on page 176)
  • I’m getting scared
  • Please say that more gently
  • Did I do something wrong?
  • That hurt my feelings
  • I am starting to feel flooded
• I need to calm down
  • I need things to be calmer right now
  • I just need your support right now
  • Can I take that back?
  • Can we take a break?
• Sorry
  • My reactions were too extreme. Sorry
  • Let me try again
  • I want to gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how
  • Tell me what you hear me saying
• Get to Yes
  • Let’s compromise here
  • Let’s find our common ground
  • I never thought of things that way
• Stop action
  • I might be wrong here
  • Please stop
• I appreciate
  • My part of this problem …
  • I see your point
  • Thank you for …
  • I understand

3. Soothe yourself and each other

• It’s harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s
• end discussion when feeling flooded, let them know
• take at least 20min break
• avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood
• do something soothing like music, taking a walk or reading
  • don’t use that time to nurse your anger or rehearse arguments
• meditative techniques
  • focus on breathing, deep and regular breath
  • relax your muscles, squeeze and release them
  • let tension flow, feel how heavy muscle groups are
• relaxing makes people better able to work on conflicts
• Soothe your partner
  • calmed by spouse associate you with feelings of relaxation
  • partner needs to decide on methods and enjoy it
• if hear rate exceeds 100 (80 for athletes) you won’t be able to hear no matter what you try

4. compromise

• compromise is only way to solve marital problems
• compromise is negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other
• accept your partner’s flaws and foibles
• cherishing what you have instead of what if partner were more…
• exercise to help
  • sit separately
  • draw one big and smaller circle inside it
  • Inner circle: aspects of problem that you can’t give in on (as few as possible)
  • Outer circle: what you can compromise on (as large as possible)
  • yielding to win
  • 1. what do we agree about?
  • 2. what are our common feelings and most important feelings
  • 3. what common goals can we have?
  • 4. How can we understand this situation or issue
  • 5. How do we think we should accomplish these goals
  • revisit after a while to see if it worked, if not do it again

5. dealing with emotional injuries

• arguments leave scars, residual damage is emotional injury
• all experience is subjective
• share your subjective reality and what you needed
  • why you think you had those feelings
• identify and explore your triggers
• we are all complicated creatures
• what’s one thing I can do to avoid having this kind of regrettable incident or argument again

10 Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

• Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, internet fueled distractions, a new baby are most typical areas of marital conflict
• emotional tasks to accomplish together, attain a rich understanding to feel safe and secure
• if not, relationship will just feel like another storm
• usually, conflict because of different ideas about these tasks, their importance and how to accomplish

1. Unplugging from distractions

• Task:
  • maintain connection and intimacy amid Internet age
  • young professional couples
    • average only talk 35 minutes a week!
    • usually just “errand” talks
  • self-distraction that can get in the way of real connection
• Solution
  • take seriously if an issue
  • ban during mealtime, date night or when one needs to talk
  • if you can turn off during house of worship or theaters then need to extend that respect and courtesy to spouse

Problem with Porn:

• it is anti-romantic, impersonal
• hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships
• less frequent sex
• less sexual communication
  • awareness and discussion of another person’s desire is important
• less mutual satisfying sex
  • could seek out same stimulations in real life
  • sex could become unsatisfying
• Increased risk of betrayal
  • if can’t live preferred fantasy
  • porn is a form of relationship betrayal
  • could become compulsion or addiction

2. Stress and more stress

• Task:
  • make marriage a place of peace
  • today couples work 1000h more a year than 30y ago
  • less time for talking, relaxing, eating, sleeping
• Solution:
  • Acknowledge that end of work day one may need time to decompress before interacting
  • incidents get overblown because feeling so tense from daily stress

3. Relations with In-Laws

• Task:
  • establish “we-ness” or solidarity
  • family tension is more frequently between wife and her mother-in-law
  • there are deeper issues of values
  • wife watches to see if husband backs her or his mother, “which family are you really in?”
  • Men just want them to get along, loves them both, don’t want to decide
  • role of peacemaker, mediator could just make situation worse
• Solution:
  • Side with the wife against his mother
  • establish a sense of “we-ness”
  • wife does indeed come first, mom will eventually adjust to the reality
  • absolutely critical for husband to be firm about this
  • but not doing anything that he feels demeans and dishonors his parents, or against his basic values
  • insist that mom should respect their rituals, values and lifestyle

4. Money, Money, Money

• Task:

  • money is symbolic of many emotional needs, like safety and power
  • money buys pleasure and also security
    • need to balance these economic realities
    • feelings about money and value is personal and often idiosyncratic
  • usually a solvable problem with newlyweds only, as marriage goes on it gets resolved or turns into a perpetual problem (unless circumstances change)

• Solution:

  • Clearheaded budgeting
  • work as a team on financial issue
  • express your concerns, needs and fantasies to each other before making a plan
  • 1. itemize your current expenditures (page 208)
  • 2. manage everyday finances
  • 3. plan financial future

5. Housework

• Task:
  • Create a sense of fairness and teamwork
  • men often don’t realize how deeply women care about keeping their home in order (ofc there are always exceptions)
  • when not done, wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported
  • “slacker” aren’t being deliberately rude, but don’t understand that it is such a big deal to their wife
  • men tend to overestimate the amount of housework they do
• Solution:
  • men have to do more housework
  • doesn’t need to be half half, but enough for wife’s subjective view
  • husband does more “brute strength” tasks like washing car, or abstract jobs like financial planning, while wife more daily drudge work
  • see list on page 215
  • need to be flexible in what duties one takes on depending on her needs, like when feeling especially tired
  • conveys honor and respect

6. Becoming Parents

• Task:
  • a child is a grenade, situation after not better, not worse necessarily, but different
  • 67% wives feel plummet in marital satisfaction
  • for husbands it kicks in later, reaction to wife’s unhappiness
  • lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated
  • husband experiences the transformations to parenthood along his wife or gets left behind
  • it reorients meaning of wife’s life, experience is life-altering
  • if husband doesn’t go through it with her, distance will develop
  • he might begrudge, how little time she has for him now, that she’s always tired, preoccupied with feeding baby
  • he loves his child, but wants his wife back
• Solution:
  • He can’t get his wife back
  • follow her into the new realm she has entered, feel like a father too, feel pride, tenderness and protectiveness towards child
  • should spend time away from baby occasionally, if transitions is well they might not even need/ want to
  • when relationship is secondary to role of parent, might feel stressed and confused, but is right thing to do
  • important to be in it together, make parent-child relationship and marriage thrive
  • Focus on marital friendship
    • before baby comes, make sure to really understand each other and respective intimate world
  • Don’t exclude dad from baby care
    • wife casts herself as supervisory role, directing and ordering -> husbands will withdraw -> feel more excluded
    • new mother must back off, there is more than a way to burp up a baby
    • child will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style
    • unless it is really unsafe, then direct him to pediatrician or baby-care guides
    • gentle advice giving are fine, (no lectures or criticism as it will backfire)
    • dads could feel jealous of mom child bond
  • Let dad be baby’s playmate
    • women tend to be more nurturing, while men are more playful
    • newborns can also be great playmates
  • carve out time for the two of you
    • use a babysitter
    • get some time alone with each other
    • discussing about baby during that time is ok, it means succeeding
  • Be sensitive to Dad’s needs
    • dad might feel deprived by baby’s overwhelming endless need for wife
    • he’s going to miss his wife
    • wife needs to know what he has given up and acknowledge it, let him how central he still is to her life
    • be understanding and supportive
  • Give mom a break
    • likely to be exhausted
    • he should modify his work hours

7. Sex

• Task:
  • Fundamental appreciations and acceptance of each other
  • significant obstacle to happy sex life is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly
  • couples “vague out”, make it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other
  • discussions often are indirect, imprecise, inconclusive
  • often in hurry to end discussion, hopefully miraculously understand each other’s desires without much talk
  • when communications is fought with tension, frustration and hurt feelings result
• Solution:
  • learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that feels safe
  • list (page 225)

Five ways to make sex more personal

• 1. redefine what you mean by “sex”
  • when sex is technique rather than passion and communication, sexual anxiety develops
  • both become self-conscious, becomes difficult to talk about
  • stop thinking that sex is about orgasm
  • consider everything positive that happens between you as part of sex
  • goal-oriented approach can lead to sexual dysfuction
  • men should be more present and just enjoy the sensation of pillow talk, touching, caressing, kissing and so on
  • connection
• 2. learn how to talk about “IT”
  • usually not know how to express without sounding critical or embarrassed
  • Be gentle and positive
  • no reason to be judgmental, to criticize because not talking about sth bad
  • brainstorm and share perspectives on how to make a good thing better
  • Be patient with each other
  • might have feeling of shame, difficult to acknowledge
  • go slowly, talk about feelings concerning sex itself first
  • Don’t take it personally
  • goal is to explore what works for each of you
  • Compromise
  • decide what feels okay and safe and what doesn’t
  • shift focus from sex to sensuality
• 3. chart your sexual love maps
  • see page 231
  • read book: what makes love last
• 4. have ongoing conversations about sexual intimacy
  • talk about it from time to time
• 5. learn how to initiate sex -- and to refuse it gently
  • learn to say “Sorry, I’m not in the mood” that doesn’t feel hurtful or rejecting
  • can be difficult to cope with being turned down
  • could have an agreed-upon “ritual” before sex
  • suggest using a scale from 1 to 9, 1 meaning not at all amorous, 5 I’m convinceable to 9 let’s do it
• Refusing Sex gently (page 234)
• Coping with “no”
  • there should be no negative consequences if the partner says no
  • husbands should reward their wives for saying no
• The more you can hear, understand and respect your partner’s no about any marital issue, the more yes there will be in your relationship

11. Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

• All couples have irreconcilable differences
• When not able to accommodate these perpetual disagreements -> turn into gridlock -> eventually view partner as selfish -> entrenched in position, compromise impossible
• Usually basic differences in personality or lifestyle preferences
• Identify gridlock
  • You’ve had same argument over and over again with no resolution
  • Neither can address it with humor, empathy or affection
  • Issue becomes polarizing with time
  • Compromise seem impossible, seems like would need to give up on something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self
• more adept with 6 principles the less likely to end up having gridlocks, as you know and trust each other, easily handle
• significant key to prevent gridlock is to look out for those small moments where you miss each other’s needs
• don’t need to solve gridlocks but manage to keep it from overwhelming you
• Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams in your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged or doesn’t respect
  • hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning
• A problem if dreams not respected or if you keep it hidden
  • fights only express it symbolically
  • restaurant vs home meal is symbolic of what makes each of them feel loved
• When dreams are respected
  • happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other to realize
  • partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about
  • work it out as a team, taking into account each other’s wishes and desires
  • marriage incorporates supporting dreams from both
• When dreams are hidden
  • when either isn’t aware or fully appreciates gridlock is formed
• Openly discuss why their position was so important to them
• open up about the history behind their position
• Don’t need to fully solve problem but learn to live with it peacefully
  Become a dream detective
• identify with dreams are fueling the conflict
• when you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty -> sign of a hidden dream
• uncovering a hidden dream is challenging
• unlikely to emerge until marriage is a safe place to talk about it
• Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations
• common to feel not entitled to their dreams, desires feel childish or impractical -> still won’t end the longing for it
• need to honor the dream, if you burry it, it will only resurface as a gridlock conflict

Working on a Gridlocked Issue

• after beginning to recognize and acknowledge your dreams, problem will get worse before improving
• be patient, acknowledge that its not easy
  • Step 1: Explore the dreams
  • write an explanation of your position, don’t criticize or blame
  • focus on needs, wants and feelings about the situation
  • write story of the hidden dreams that underlie your position
  • explain where they come from and why they are meaningful
  • each should have time to talk uninterrupted
  • don’t try to solve any problems now, will only backfire
  • simply understand why each feels so strongly about the issue
  • Speaker’s job
    • Talk honestly
    • Describe the dream
    • Explain where it comes from and what it symbolizes
    • Be clear and honest why it’s so important
    • Don’t try to censor or downplay your feelings
  • Listener’s job
    • Suspend judgement
    • Don’t take their dream personally even if it clashes
    • Don’t think up rebuttals or ways to solve problem
    • just hear the dream and encourage other person to explore it
  • Three levels of honoring your partner’s dreams
    • express understanding of the dream and be interested in learning more about it
    • actively enable the dream
    • become a part of the dream
  • acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest most personal hopes and dreams is essential
  • getting past gridlocks is not necessarily to become a part of each other’s dreams, but to honor these dreams
• Step 2: Soothe
  • It can be stressful
  • Pay attention how each is reacting, and alert if you feel signs of stress
  • If flooding occurs try using repairs or take a break
• Step 3: Reach a temporary compromise
  • initial compromise, purpose is not to solve the conflict, only make it amicable
  • page 254 for instructions (two circle methods)
• Step 4: Say Thank you
• Be patient with the process and each other
• Making progress when it feels less loaded to both and can use a sense of humor

12. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

• Even a devout feminist who prided herself on her independence will feel something is lacking, want to feel more like a family
• Create an inner life together, a deeper sense of shared meaning
• create a culture between you two, customs, rituals and myths
• honor each other’s dreams even if you don’t always share them, incorporate both dreams and be flexible enough to change as you grow and develop
• rewarding marriage is more than just sidestepping conflict
• open to each other’s perspective
• create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions
• The more shared meaning you can find the deeper, richer and more rewarding your relationship will be

Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

• 1. Rituals of connection
  • creating a ritual is a powerful antidote to tendency to disconnect
  • it is a structural event/ routine that you each enjoy and depend on and reinforces your sense of togetherness
  • common for people to not discuss what traditions symbolize to them
  • recognize ongoing values and significance to further your identity as a family
• 2. Support for each other’s roles
  • roles are sense of our place in the world
  • either can add meaningfulness and harmony or can create tension
  • deep expectations of yourself and your spouse
• 3. Shared goals
  • goals make life meaningful
  • increase intimacy by sharing your deepest objectives
  • work together to achieve shared goals
• 4. Shared values and symbols
  • Values and beliefs
  • belief system that determines their perspective on life
• Exercise: Using the four pillars to create meaning (page 272)

Afterword: what now?

• just a small and gentle shift can have dramatic, positive effects over time
• build on the change and keep it going
• only an extra six hours a week can make it more successful
  • Partings: learn one thing that will happen in your spouse’s upcoming day
• Reunions
  • hug and a kiss, six-second kiss
  • stress reducing conversation
• Admiration and appreciation
  • communicate genuine affection and appreciation
• Affection
• Weekly date
  • just the two of you time 2h once a week
• State of the union meeting
  • talk about the relationship this week
  • what went right
  • which issues may have arisen
• working briefly on marriage every day will do more for health and longevity than gym and health club
• “expert” claim unhappy marriages are due to overblown expectations, one should lower expectations (FALSE)
• People with the greatest expectations wind up with highest-quality relationships
• hold your relationship to high standards
• insist on gently confronting each other when contempt, or defensiveness shows up
• talk about issues while they are still minor, before they build up steam

Forgive yourself

• two sources causing chronically critical
• 1. emotionally unresponsive partner
• 2. self-doubt that comes from within
  • continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or accept it when it is offered
  • difficult to rejoice in what’s right with spouse and marriage
  • problem is that they tend to focus on what’s missing and overlook the fine qualities that are there, that have been taken for granted
  • accept yourself with all of your flaws
  • forgive myself
  • be aware of your tendency to criticize, focus on what is right
  • what you have and what others contribute
  • genuinely appreciate them, find one feature for each person, ignore shortcomings
• acknowledge your own mistakes
• admit having messed up and still be ok, builds forgiveness of self

• Disillusionment (political)
• Work will change drastically if AI will understand human emotions (hormones release etc)
• AI could be better at creative tasks
• Good if algorithms can rule world? (Algorithmic discrimination)
• Technology made it easier to talk with people thousands kms aways but harder with ppl beside you
• Nationalism?
• Religion debate
• Immigration vs Culturists
• Terrorism is to make strong party hurt themselves by creating fear and letting them overreact
• Present war is not lucrative (but Putin still invaded Ukraine)
• Humility is natural
• Education, critical thinking might become more important
• Meditation is good

• Einstellung
• Nutze positive Affirmationen (kleine Sachen die man sieht)
• Auf Bauchgefühl hören
• Win-Win-Denken
• Edelsteine: Alexandrit (Liebe, Glück), Aquamarin (Seelenfrieden, Glück & Mut), Citrin (Geld), Granat (Selbstvertrauen), Rubin (Kraft, Positiv), Smaragd (beruhigt, Wohlstand), Türkis (Liebe, Wohlstand), Diamant

• Life Balance
• Breakthrough, exit comfort zone
• Relay on others, Build team
• Spin: Desire, Goal, Doable way, Don’t give up

• Use ads to see what market wants, responds to
• Being human is going from success to failure and to success and again, and to make the gap smaller
• We have to choose ourselves for success
• You have to build up and practice, can’t lift 500 pounds after lifting 50
• Does one person have control over your life?
• In general, putting up masks does not help in the long run
• Moving from one addiction to another, until burnt out (overworking, drugs, sex, etc)
• We have 3 bodies to take care of
  • Physical body
    • Eat well
    • Sleep well, 7-9h a night
    • Shit everyday
    • Sports, do whatever you need to do
  • Emotional body
    • We are bombarded by negative emotions all the time
    • Be aware of having emotional body
    • Be around only positive people
    • Avoid people who are constantly draining your energy
    • Put a quota on how much you can complain/ feel anxious about that person
  • Mental body
    • Mind always wants to think
    • Usually when thinking too much is the most unhappy time, and not thinking is happy time
    • Every morning come up with 10 ideas
    • Come up with enough ideas that the brain hurts
  • Spiritual body
    • People are stuck in the past, regrets (none of that actually exists, its only in the mind)
    • (Exercise) Look at the rooftops of buildings, find the art
    • Surrender, you have no control of it (past), accept the stillness
  • Body cycles through good and bad moods
    • Delay thinking and making decisions when in bad mood, wait for good mood
  • Simple daily practice
    • Sleep 8 hours
    • Eat 2 meals
    • No TV
    • No junk food
    • No complaining for 1 whole day
    • No gossip
    • Return an email form 5 years ago
    • Express thanks for friends
    • Write down a list of ideas
    • Read something spiritual
    • Wake up in morning and say you want to save one life and look out
    • Think of people who you are grateful for
    • Forgive someone
    • Don’t say yes when you want to say no
    • Don’t have sex with someone you don’t love
    • Shower and scrub
    • Deep breathing
• Don’t attach happiness to external goals, financial success, relationships
  • We get disappointed, hyppiness is cyclic, fleeting
  • We cling to past happiness
• To break the breakdown, he thought he was about to die, He loved himself
• Need to love yourself
• Mantra -> protect your thought
• If a painful memory arises, don’t fight it, your in quick sand
• Instead go to love, feel the love for yourself even if it’s a lie. Love, Rewire

• Why have a purpose? It’s bad
• Assumes that you have to find something to make you happy, and be unhappy until then
• Choose to be happy right now
• All I want to be is me

• Drop customers who you don’t like
• Do not be at the whim to one decision maker
• After certain salary the marginal happiness decreases
• It’s ok to take baby steps

• When you’re time traveling then stop
• Label thoughts if they are past or future to remain in present
• Selling is a lot more important than negotiating. Get sales than trying to get best price and no sale happening.
• Don’t sell to customers that you don’t like

• How to become an idea machine

  • Idea muscle needs to be exercised every day
  • Read or skim chapters of books of 4 different topics
  • Write down 10 ideas about anything you want
  • do something random (new)
  • Compare new ideas with old ideas
  • Don’t pressure yourself
  • Shake things up from time to time

• Don’t have opinions

• Don’t educate people

• I’m always wrong

• look back on your life as if already old
• Be calm at all times
• Accept everything that you’re doing

• What is EQ?
• Recognize and label your own emotions and feelings, self-consciousness
• Recognize and label emotions and feelings of others, sensitivity
• Ability to rein in or direct emotions, to call on certain emotions, self control
• Influence others, build bonds, sociability, Managing relationship
• Pay attention, Emotional Analysis
• Feel & Release emotions
• Mindfulness
• Honest Observer
• Interrupt your Interrupting
• Think before talking

• Die eigenen Emotionen kennen
• Erkennen eines Gefühls, während es auftritt, laufend beobachten
• Emotionen handhaben
• Fähigkeit, sich selbst zu beruhigen
• Emotionen in die Tat umsetzen
• Emotionen in den Dienst eines Ziels zu stellen
• Empathie
• Wissen was anderer fühlen
• Umgang mit Beziehungen
• Mit Emotionen der anderen umzugehen
• Überflutungen: wenn man negativ ist, dann Zweifelt man, mauert und denkt nur negativ
• Geschickte Kritik: Man sollte nicht die Persönlichkeit kritisieren, sondern die Sache! Man muss präzise sein, eine Lösung anbieten, präsent sein und sensibel sein
• Bausteine lernen zu können (Schulreife)
• Selbstvertrauen
• Neugier
• Intentionalität
• Selbstbeherrschung
• Verbundenheit
• Kommunikationsfähig
• Kooperationsbereitschaft

• Aufmerksamkeitswechsel außen/ innen
• Zusammenhänge erkennen bei Tätigkeiten mit Gefühlen
• Fahrplan bei Ärger/ Wut
• Früherkennung der Gefühle
• Innehalten, Muskulatur lockern, ausatmen
• Ursachenforschung
• Überprüfung der Ursachen und Unternehmen
• Entscheidungen
• Verantwortung, Gefühle kontrollieren
• Gefühle angemessen ausdrücken
• Persönliche Formulierung mit „Ich“, „mir“ und „mich“
• Negative Gefühle
• Beschreiben worum es geht
• Gefühle direkt ausdrücken
• Direkte Angriffe vermeiden
• Offen für andere Perspektiven
• Wünsche, Anliegen, Vorschläge, Lösungen formulieren
• Übungen
• Körper bei typischen Situationen beobachten und aufschreiben
• 5 Sinne Stärken, Objekte betrachten und wirken lassen, Beim Greifen fühlen, Essen genießen, Gesang konzentrieren, Nackte Füssen laufen
• Haltung checken
• Souveräne Haltung vorbereiten (Strecken beim Aufstehen, barfuß durch Wohnung laufen, stark trocknen nach Dusche, daran erinnern/ speichern)
• Ich Botschaften formulieren
• Wünsche statt Vorwürfe
• Bei Ärger/ Enttäuschungen: Darüber sprechen wie ich mich gefühlt habe, dazu noch Ursachen
• Nichts tun, als wäre es nichts, nicht in Gefühle einsteigen, nicht erste Regung folgen (Zeit)
• Positives Feedback geben
• 3-Phasen-Atmung, Einatmen-Ausatmen-Pause
• Blumenduft Übung, Augen Schließen, Atem als wäre Blumen da
• Ausatmung verlängern
• Paraphase (Wiederholen was er gesagt hat)
• Ärger und Wut: Nicht weiter reizen, Reden lassen, In kontakt gehen, Provokationen ins Leere laufen lassen, Nachfragen, Argumente vermeiden, Langsam sprechen, Bestätigen, Verständnis verbalisieren
• Anteilnahme bei Traurigkeit/ Enttäuschungen: Anteilnahme ausdrücken, Es tut mir leid, Langsam sprechen, Zeit lassen, In Kontakt bleiben, Tränen zulassen, Hintergrund kurz erläutern, Wiederholungsschleifen vermeiden, Hilfe anbieten

• Creativity vs Knowledge foundation
• Geography & Finance
• Choice is suicide

• Survivorship bias
• Elon (passionate, self-taught) drive thrive thirst

• Bill gates vs Warren Buffet
• Know yourself, what you want to do
• Utility function, what you value, where you want to create change
• Learn from experts in the field, researchers

• Set goals, weekly goals and long-term goals
• Weekly goals: easy to accomplish about 20min
• Long term goals: has to seem unrealistic
• Write the goals down! Re-write the goals every day
• Law of attraction
• Visualization
• When distractive thoughts come up, sit back, take a deep breath, close eyes and think of the benefits (end goals)
• Start the day with good so later you won’t allow getting worse than good
• Wake up in the morning and sit up and do deep breathing
  ->Different exercises -> stretching -> something healthy
• Set alarm clock 1 min earlier each day (until you reach your wake up time)
• Eliminate distraction by changing environment
• 50 min work -> 10 min rest without thinking of distraction -> 50 min work -> 30 min rest for email…
• Reward and fear system
• Fear example: write a check for someone and he can cash it in if I don’t achieve
• Meetup.com
• Publicizing intentions: Tell everyone about your goal, so you will achieve it
• Build momentum: law of compounding

• Don’t criticize others, as people don’t think that they are wrong. They may resent you afterwards.
• Never blame someone else!!
• Do not judge others
• People want to be important
• Talk about what he wants and show him how to get it
• If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own
• P.59 How to write a better letter
• P.63 Example dealing with kids
• Weekly review
• Make more friends by becoming interested in others ask to let them tell you about their selves, talk with enthusiasm (answering a phone)
• We are interested in others when they are interested in us
• SMILE!
• Always be happy
• Remember names from others
• Let others talk P.105
• Complaint on your product 1. Listen 2. From his point of view 3. Help him
• Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves
• Talk in terms of the other man’s interests
• Find good things about others and tell them
• Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely
• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
• Don’t say that the other is wrong, make it secretly
• Start with I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.
• Self-control
• Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
• Begin in a friendly way
• Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
• Let the other man do great deal of the talking
• Let the other think that he made the solution
• Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his
• How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?
• Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
• Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
• Appeal to the nobler motives
• Dramatize your ideas
• Throw down a challenge
• Begin with a praise and honest appreciation
• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
• Let the other man save his face
• Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise
• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
• Use encouragement, make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do
• Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
• Letter: I wonder if you would mind helping me out of a little difficulty
• Letter: I must come to you to help me answer him
• Don’t nag
• Don’t try to make you partner over
• Don’t criticize
• Give honest appreciation
• Pay attention to little things
• Be courteous (polite)

Millionaire MBA Day 1

• Vision, not only how it looks at the end, all the steps
• Focus, how to get there sooner, don’t be distracted
• Work, having fun working, thinking about the work
• Persistence, unwilling to give up, you can do anything
• Optimist
• Learn from mistakes, why did it really fail, common sense
• Opportunity, spot it first and choose the correct one
• Judgment of risk, willing to take risk
• Time, start, get on and do it
• Passion, to keep going when things are though
• Self-belief, to carry on against the nay Sayers and doubters
• Courage, to follow your instincts, take the leap to become an entrepreneur

Millionaire MBA Day 2

• Need enough money to lose
• Quick destination
• Focus, have goals if not achieved the day isn’t finished
• Determination, energy
• If it doesn’t work well jump back fast
• Self believes
• Knowhow of the product, feel to be different
• Understand the details
• Luck
• Open-minded, communication

Millionaire MBA Day 3

• Not for money only, for the product
• Money is only a byproduct

Millionaire MBA Day 4

• Let the negativity go
• Can’t do it alone
• Need a great idea, also can copy but have to be better
• Don’t spend too much cash

Millionaire MBA Day 5

• Something positive from a failure
• Keep looking forward
• Put it right as fast as possible
• How you handle a failure

• Asset: Anything that makes you money (Businesses, Real estates, Paper assets)
• Liability: Anything that costs you money (Car, Phone, House where you live)
• Rich buy assets, Middle class buy liabilities (look rich), Poor buy useless stuff
• It’s not how much money you make it’s how much money you keep
• Rich make corporation, if they buy something they buy it through corporations (less tax)

• Use RAS (Reticular Activating System) to your advantage
• Love selling
• Look beyond confirmation bias

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

• Tell something about yourself that an employer would like to hear. Don’t embellish your story, no dishonesty or exaggerations
• Show interest in the company by doing research about their company
• How would it be beneficial for the company if they hire you
• Find a job where you have a future. Don’t just look at what you earn now
• Healthy self-esteem, think positively, never be ashamed of yourself and your actions, accept without reservation, seek advice, be able to laugh at yourself, willing to take risk, not intimidated by others, take responsibility

Chapter 7

• Disagree with author

Chapter 8

• Think like an owner
• Do to others what you would have them do to you
• The secret to getting ahead in life is to help others
• Have a passion for excellence, be the best
• Show sincere interest in what the other person is saying, rather than concentrating on having the person listen to you. Show sincere interest in others
• If there are complains listen to them intently and see if you can become part of the solution
• Put yourself in the other person’s shoe
• The customer is the ultimate boss, please them
• Experience and educating the customers makes your company successful
• Willing to listen to new ideas and implement them
• Leadership requires love, the best leaders are servants, you lead by giving to others
• If you want to be a success, show a sincere interest in others, be pleasant and polite, be a good listener, encourage others to speak about themselves, respect the opinions of others, and make the other person feel important!

Chapter 9

• Elephant Ears, Eagle Eyes and a pinhole mouth
• A good sales: puts himself into the customer’s shoes, listens, shows a sincere interest in what the customer wants, let him know you want to help him
• He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, but he who doesn’t ask a question remains a fool forever
• When you are wrong admit it quickly
• Most important characteristics: Enthusiasm, Integrity, Discipline, Social skills, Hard & Intelligent Work
• Interpersonal skills: Smile, Show appreciation, Sensitive, Proper etiquette, not intimidated by other, conflict resolver, polite, avoid gossip, listening skills, humor
• Manager: Fair, Firm and Loving. Comfort problems and take corrective measures, it can be painful but it’s necessary (like firing people, telling that they are wrong)

Chapter 10

• People buy based on what you show and tell, which makes them believe
• Quit bad habits, Ben Franklin: List of bad habits, every week focus on one habit, every night a severe going-over

Chapter 11

• People are persuaded through the influence of the things they want, so find out what they want and show that your offer will satisfy their wants
• Please the Customer First, Last and Always

Chapter 12

• Guiding Vision, Passion, Integrity, Trust, Curiosity, Daring

• Everyone cheats helping himself, but only a bit so they still feel honest.
• Cheating doesn’t increase when risk sinks or reward rises.
• We cheat up to the level of allows us to retain our self-image as reasonably honest individuals.
• We tend to cheat more when we gain nonmonetary things. Removing steps from money => more cheating.
• Small moral reminders maintain our ethical standard.
• When signing let them create their own honor code so they think about it.
• Favor creates conflict of interest. Helping someone make him to want to help you back
• If you are depleted or stressed your brain is tired => You will take the gratification and cheat more
• Fake cloth affects you negatively and you will cheat more
• Be careful if someone wears counterfeits, because maybe he is dishonest somewhere else.
• If we wear counterfeits we will think that others cheat more.
• If you want to pretend to be stronger and better you have to give yourself a pep talk and believe that you are better.
• We sometimes don’t know why we do what we do, but our left brain creates stories to justify it.
• Creativity can let us cheat more, because we are more creative in searching justifications.
• Group Work can increase dishonesty if the group members all profit, but if there are supervisors in the group cheating decreases.
• The more you know someone the more you look for yourself.
• Reminders in the moment of temptation, avoid conflict of interest, depletion makes you dishonest, social circle can change your thought of dishonesty

• Multiply the Time and Effort, you think, is needed by 10
• You should consider it unethical to not live up to your full potential
• Do not compete you should dominate
• Are your goals = your potential?

1. Have a can-do attitude (There is always a solution)
2. Believe that I will figure it out (I’ll figure it out instead of I don’t know, it doesn’t help saying I don’t know)
3. Successful people focus on opportunity (Problem = new Opportunity)
4. Successful people love challenges (Challenges Sharpens Ability)
5. Successful people seek to solve problems
6. Successful people persist until successful
7. Take Risk
8. Be unreasonable (or else the impossible will never be possible)
9. Be dangerous
10. Create Wealth
11. Readily take action (Successful people take mass of action)
12. Always say yes (Till you are successful and you have to)
13. Optically commit
14. Go all the way
15. Focus on Now (start immediately) You get more done than other who are thinking and
16. Demonstrate Courage
17. Successful people embrace change (Improve what you are doing successful)
18. Determine and take the right approach (Not only hard work)
19. Successful people break traditional ideas
20. Be goal oriented (Pay more attention to target than problem)
21. Be on a mission (Consider daily work as a part of a greater mission)
22. Have a high level of motivation (goal focused and mission driven)
23. Be interested in results (not time or efforts)
24. Have big goal and big dreams (always seems a bit out of reach)
25. Create your own reality (create what you want regardless what others think)
26. Commit first figure out later! (Just start don’t figure everything out first) It’s scary and crazy but it’s necessary
27. Be highly ethical (Give everything you are capable of! If you don’t fulfill your commitment, dream it’s unethical. Example: You have a strong brain to create new products, but you don’t use it. It’s unethical because you could have helped someone with your intelligence)
28. Be interested in the group (you can only do as well as the people around you, your family usually pull you down saying you are too big)
29. Be dedicated to continuous learning
30. Be uncomfortable (You have to place yourself in uncomfortable situation, get out of the comfort zone)
31. Reach up in relationship (have people who are brighter and smarter)
32. Be disciplined (It can be trained, continue regardless uncomfortable)
33. Getting started with 10 X
34. Do not reduce your goals as you write them down (procedure can be changed)
35. Do not get lost in details of how to accomplish them at this point
36. Ask yourself what action you can take right now to move yourself toward the goal
37. Take whatever action you come up with right now, do not have feelings
38. Do not prematurely value the outcome of the action
39. Go back each day and review the list

• Winners quit all the time and at the right time
• Quit the wrong stuff, stick with the right stuff
• The best is rewarded, rewards are skewed (Ziffs law)
• Be the best in the “world” (market)
• People settle less than they’re capable of, compromise, and fail
• Strategic quitting
• People who power through the dip become the best
• The choice to give it a shot and quit is the worst decision
• The dip is the reason we’re here
• Embrace the dip, treat it as an opportunity (keeps others away)
• If you can’t go through the dip, don’t start it
• Pyramid scheme is everywhere
• Quitting in the drip is not worth the journey
• Production dip (Machines, mass production)
• Sales dip (expanding sales team)
• Education dip (reinvent)
• Risk dip
• Relationship dip (investing time now)
• Ego dip (giving up control, spotlight)
• Distribution dip
• To be a super star you need to be exceptional, excel the dip
• Average is another form of quitting (not good)
• Opposite of quitting is rededication, not waiting around
• Taking short term pain quitting now is a lot better than later with a lot more pain
• If you’re not gonna get to nr 1 then why not quit now
• Decide in advance when to quit not during a panic
• Figure out how much pressure you have and then pick the tire (Market)
• Set up conditions when you’re gonna quit

• Let everyone talk about his or her weakness and strength
• Set goal a category
• Use “At the same time, I don’t want to …” instead of “but”
• Unless I hear something extremely compelling in the next 5 seconds that makes me think otherwise, I believe we have a primary goal
• However, I want to remind you
• Training
• Personal Histories exercise
• Question about background (siblings, hometown, unique challenge…)
• Team Effectiveness Exercise
• Tell the good and bad from one person
• Personality and behavioral Preference Profiles (MBTI)
• Leaders has to show vulnerability first

• Slow lane: go to school, find a job, invest in stock market, 10% a year
• If you wanna keep on getting what you’re getting, keep on doing what you’re doing
• Success is not a 4h work week
• Slow lane is a waste of time
• Get rich slow is a losing game
• Golden age is when you are young and vibrant
• Millionaire are forged by process, events are byproduct
• Process cannot be outsourced, process dawns wisdom and personal growth

Hypothetical raffle:

• Sidewalk: get 10m now, odds1/6000000 chance
• Slow lane: get 500k in 40 years, odds 1/6
• Fast lane: get 10m in 6 years, odds 1/7

Sidewalk (The road most traveled)

• Pleasurable today in leau of a more secure tomorrow
• Instant gratification
• It is the path of least resistance
• Having no financial plan
• Don’t be a sidewalk victim

Slow lane

• Retire old while risking death along the way
• Trading time for money
• Time has no leverage
• Compound interest, requires time
• Using freedom to buy freedom
• Parasitic debt

Fast lane

• Controllable unlimited leverage
• Business, self-employment
• Lifestyle choice
• Rapid wealth creation
• Debt is useful to grow the system
• The moment you stop learning is the moment you stop growing
• Money is everywhere, it reflects the value I created, how many people I have touched
• Net profit + asset value
• Get rich quick ≠ get rich easy
• Different businesses have different speed limits, have to find one that has high potential leverage

• Money doesn’t buy happiness, because its used for consumer pursuit destructive to freedom
• But money used correctly can buy you freedom and happiness
• Happiness stems from good health, freedom, good interrelation
• Say no to instant gratification, its destruction of freedom health and choice
• If you have to think about the price then you can’t afford it
• The more I work the luckier I get

• Being responsible is one thing but being accountable is another
• Don’t assign your control to others
• You can’t be a victim if you don’t hand over control to someone else
• Taking responsibility is the first step, taking accountability is the final
• Many money gurus suffer from paradox practice
• Law of attraction is useless if nothing is done, just sitting wont get things done
• Law of affection is what counts
• Affect millions make millions
• Affection: magnitude and scale

• Good habits = positive influence
• Bad habits can be triggered by certain objects, people, stuff
• To change bad habits, replace with good habits (alternative action with the same reason of occurrence)

• Set at least 10% of your income aside
• Invest the saved money in something you know
• Increase your income
• Control your expenses
• Don’t waste the earned money at the beginning wait till it is stable
• (Slow Lane, not sure how long it takes you to become rich)

• Be comfortable with being different
• Don’t give a fuck about more, give a fuck about less. Only give a fuck about what is true, immediate and important.
• When you feel angry about feeling angry or anxious about feeling anxious, you’re stuck in what Manson calls, “The Feedback Loop from Hell.”
• However, by not giving a f*ck that you feel bad, you short-circuit the Feedback Loop from Hell; you say to yourself, “I feel like s*it, but who gives a f*ck?”
• Because there’s an infinite amount of things we can now see or know, there is also an infinite number of ways we can discover that we don’t measure up, that we’re not good enough, that things aren’t as great as they could be. And this rips us apart inside.

• Cheap product may not work, maybe expensive but good quality
• A good strategy should be simple, define what the company will do and won’t do, tied to the key value drives and capital
• Once located the value drive then invest more
• Minimize Value Evaporation, maximize value retention

• Determination
• Opportunity come as misfortune/ temporary defeat
• Desire: knowing clearly what you want
• Temporary defeats are very often so don’t quit!
• Persistence
• Definite Goal, definite Desire
• Faith
• Law of attraction
• Knowledge is only potential power, it becomes power only when it is organized into definite plans of action
• Education: Eduo, develop from within (Brain)
• Imagination
• Idea
• Have to set a date for your goal!
• Think out of the box, event when failure
• If a plan fails, replace it with another

• Unwavering Courage
• Self-control
• Keen sense of justice
• Definiteness of Decision
• Definiteness of Plans
• Doing more than paid for
• Pleasing Personality
• Sympathy and Understanding
• Mastery of Detail
• Willingness to assume full Responsibility
• Cooperation
• Reach decisions quickly and definitely and changing them slowly
• Keep a closed mouth and open ears and eyes
• Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it
• Organized planning
• 6th Sense, close eyes let ideas flash
• No fear of poverty, Criticism, ill health, loss of love of someone, old age, death

• Beware of commission and slippage
• Don’t let your emotions get the upper hand
• Make trading as objective as possible
• Devote as much energy analyzing yourself as analyzing a trade
• Traders fail when not following plans
• Must not change plan when having an open position
• Few trades act as rational beings
• Increasing open interest confirms trend
• Long/short consensus can show position of big money, less people holding more open interest
• Triple screening, look at longer term chart and go that direction
• Second screen only trades along with long term chart
• Third screen to pinpoint entry point
• Risk only 2% account value
• Keep a good trading journal

• Look at the ball when hitting
• High long shot when defending
• Feet always on the move

• Bonito & Kombu
• Shitake (香菇)

Seasoning

• Rice wine vinegar
• Yuzu vinegar
• Roasted sesame oil
• Light soy sauce
• Dark soy sauce
• Light miso paste
• Mirin
• Arajio (sea salt)
• Moshio (finishing salt)

Dashi:

• Cut kombu with scissors, with cold filtered water to cook at 60C. Remove kombu and then simmer bonito for 20 seconds. Filter through cloth.

Sashimi:

• Not too big cuts for 2 bite
• Thin angled cuts, one after each other and roll to a rose

Deep fry:

• Keep the oil clean, 180C

Rice:

• Short grain, wash it in sieve and bowl till clear, 11% more water weight than rice, soak for 20min then cook

• Sleep -> memory, immune system
• Rem and non-rem sleep
• 7-9h of sleep
• 0.5-3mg melatonin (doesn’t improve sleep for young people)
• Sleep and wake up same time whole week

• Caffein has half-life of 5-6 hours (can be in dark chocolate or ice cream so beware before bedtime) hard to fall asleep

• Alcohol is extremely bad for sleep (even one drink) alcohol is sedation and not sleep (disrupt your sleep (won’t remember as only short time) -> poor quality sleep, less rem sleep, don’t feel awake.

• 17min nap for learning
• On flight sleep on first half of trip rather than second half. At least 12h awake at destination time

Deprive of sleep:

• more emotional, connectivity between prefrontal and amygdala is severed
• natural killer cells 70% less active -> bad immune system
• shifts macrophage -> cancer can grow a lot faster
• changes appetite hormones -> obese
• insulin decrease (40%)
• Increase Alzheimer chance (not cleaning toxins)

Good sleep:

• Emotional aid, emotions turn to memory of emotions

Better sleep:

• Eat less sugar :(
• No naps after 3pm
• No alcohol
• Only caffein before 2pm
• Exercise more (but latest 1h before bed)
• Regularity
• Write down concerns before sleep
• Lower temp room/ warm bath before sleep
• Dim light before sleep/ not too much phone
• Don’t do other stuff on the bed
• get out of bed 20min after wake up

• Facing your fears
• Continuously challenge yourself
• Never give up mentality

• Source of inspiration: got to flee markets, book stores, vintage stores
• Ask the clients question, what they enjoy, interest
• Mirror increase space
• Repetition
• Don’t skip prototypes
• Look at what you already have, research about it, test out

• Size of patterns, which material, color story
• Be aware of your surrounding

• Know your proportions and

• Use an agent for buying and selling
• Ask agent for a discount, don’t hire him if he gives one
• Ask what he’s going to do to maximize, market you house

Management:

• Give feedback quickly and direct
• Don’t micromanage, trust your team
• A good team is everything

• Diversify your team, different opinions, cover blind spots
• Be daring and take risks
• Heads up, listen to others, explore the world
• Give team projects they’re passionate about
• Be open, available, engaged
• Let the master always lead (great talent)
• Stay true to your own vision
• Let data inform you, not lead you
• Make mistakes and learn from them
• Important to own your mistakes (accept them)
• Always create something original that has meaning

• Build a vision others can believe in
• Nothing extraordinary happens overnight, great things take time
• Attention to detail is critical
• Opportunities come in unexpected ways
• People expect change
• Lead from the heart, follow your instincts
• Don’t get stuck in your own ways (are there smarter ways to do it?)
• When things feel dark, engage and lead with a purpose
• Invest in your industry pays dividends
• Stay true to your values, and vision

• Makeup should not be a mask, should not change the way you look, it should enhance who you are
• 60’ fun and wild, 70’ face makeup, 80’ intense color (not blended), 90’ nude face over heavily applied, now more nude makeup
• Know your skin color -> what color to choose
• Nude makeup: foundation is color of your skin, blush is color of your cheek, lipstick color of lip, eyeshadow color of your eyelid
• Just because color is trendy doesn’t mean that you have to wear it
• Label your products so easy to find

• Foundation should disappear when you apply (skin color)
• Skin not dry and not oily, eye cream under eye, slight moisturizer on cheeks (oil free moisterizer for oily skin)
• Having different color is ok
• Concealer is one shade lighter than foundation
• Could add some powder

• Bronzer to enhance look
• Keep using same kind (cream/ powder)
• Blush should be same color when doing sports/ pinching it

• Eyes: light, medium and dark color
• Light all over lid, then medium from lash line up 3/4, dark for liner only from in to out just above lash
• Mascara needs to be really dark, lift up lid and look down, should enhance eyes
• Brush up eye brows, not too dark

Skincare:

• Moisturizer = oil + water
• Oil free lotion for oily skin
• Can remove makeup with coconut oil,

• Persuasion is not about manipulation, tricking people, its one of the things people do to change the world
• 40% of the time people are selling (persuading)
• Lots of people have old picture of sales (negative associations, man in a suit selling car)
• We all have to do more with less nowadays
• Information asymmetry (has always been like this) is getting less and less -> information parity, changed a lot in the last 10 years (sellers have to beware)

• Attunement to others, taking someone else’s perspective, seeing the world through their eyes
• We can’t force others to do anything
• Find out where they come from, and find solution that works for you and them
• The more powerful you feel the less perspective-taking you are (in general so have to be cautious, gets a lot of people in power into trouble)
• Try to reduce your feeling of power
• From our instincts we try to increase feeling of power when we feel threatened, but we should reduce it
• Have an empty chair in a meeting representing the customer
• Empathy is feeling what the other is feeling, it’s a powerful skill
• The thinkers do a lot better than the feelers
• If you suffer from cognitive overload (feeling channel and thinking channel), focus on thoughts and interest (commercial encounter)
• Use emotions as signal
• Hypothesis
• Ask questions

• Best way to be a good persuader is being a decent human being
• Make it personal and purposeful
• How it’s going to improve a single person’s life (not abstraction)
• Bringing up sense of purpose (hand hygiene prevents patients from catching diseases performed the best)
• If the other person does what I want, is the other person better off? Is the world getting slightly better?

• Discussion map (when someone talks draw an x, and arrow to whom) (see who gets talked to the most although not talking much)

• We want to bring clarity to the situation
• The ability to curate? Information
• Move from problem-solving to problem-finder (now finding solution is easy)
• Identify the real problem (someone who wants vacuum cleaner wants clean floors, ask about house and needs)
• The five whys
• Ask why five times to get to real problem
• You want to know about everything
• Help then find out what’s meaningful, what’s reliable (patient brings in research to see doctor, help him go through it and provide more info) (Curate information)
• Don’t get lost in the weed focus on the 1% (when you get bogged down in details)
• Provide max (best) 3 arguments (more is not better)

• Set up situation where the other person can do sth for themselves
• Agitation? is better than irritation
• Lead with your ears
• Ask 2 irrational questions (how ready are you to clean your room 1-10? why didn’t you pick a lower number?) he’ll be finding his own reasons to do it (if 0 what can we do to make it a 1)
• Social proof
• If we’re not sure what to do, we look at what others do
• Fundamental attribution error (overshadow context attribution with personality attribution)
• Make it easy for them to act
• Action can create belief

• Mimicry is important
• Watch, wait (count to 10), wane
• You begin to understand where they’re coming from
• Mimicry feels natural for them, feel they’re heard
• Mimicry their language

• Cognitive biases
• Loss aversion
• Opportunity cost
• The experience frame
• The less is more frame, fewer option is more persuasive
• Contrast principle (contrast it to something else)
• Tell about small blemish if you have lots of positives (compared to what is triggered)
• Talk about potential
• Sunk cost fallacy (people overvalue costs that are already sunk (spent)) look prospectively
• Anchoring (whatever we hear first shapes our views more than it should)
• We personality more than situation

• Start a conversation and a collaboration (pitching)
• Question pitch: Questions are more persuasive than statements (if facts are on your side)
• When people have their own reasons for doing something, they’re more likely to do it
• Rhyme pitch (increasing processing fluency) more effective
• Pixar pitch
• Once upon a time… Everyday… One day… Because of that… Because of that… Until finally… (not getting to yes but starting a conversation and collaboration)
• One word pitch/ equity (one word to describe what you’re doing)

Email pitching (subject line)

• Utility
• Curiosity
• Don’t be in between, Hight volume of email go to utility, low volume use curiosity
• Use granular numbers (120min instead of 2hours)
• Three essential questions
• What do you want the other side to know
• What do you want the other side to feel
• What do you want the other side to do

• Help to see the problem in a different way
• Interrogative self-talk (can you do this, if so, how?) (pep talk)
• How to de-catastrophize rejection (Is it personal, pervasive, permanent? Look for no) (will be more buoyant)
• Treat yourself the way you would treat your friend, a bit more self-compassion

• Ambivert advantage of sales (a little bit introverted a bit extroverted)
• Very introverted, extroverted (who get hired most) are horrible at sales
• Listening is actually hard

• Persuade yourself to self-motivate
• Just five more
• Interim goal
• Public commitment
• Take a break (outside, moving with others)
• Employ deadlines (cautiously) (if its straightforward, bad for heuristic work (work require creative thinking))

• Timing has a big effect
• When to go first
• If you are not default candidate
• When there are few candidates
• If other candidates are strong
• When to not go first
• If you are the default candidate
• If there are a lot of competitors
• If criteria are not super clear (for the one choosing)
• When to give bad news
• Start with bad news and go to good news
• People overcome defaults early in the day or immediately after breaks

• Beginning, middle and ends have different effects on our behavior
• Pick the right time to begin (Monday, first day of month, day after birthday)
• (Pre-mortem) Look at project one year from now and imagine everything went wrong, then ask why and what went wrong
• Figure out the problem before the problem occurs

• At farmers market always ask questions, they know the most about the ingredients
• Where did it come from?
• Animals certified organic and grass fed?
• Eggs certified organic and from pastured (sustainable agriculture technique) hens?
• Fish sustainably caught?
• Go to market before you decide to cook, base menu on what you find there

• Think of the timing, when to cook what
• Olive oil, salt and roast vegetables in oven
• Steam veggies to keep their natural taste (add a little olive oil and salt at the end)
• Yogurt Raita
• Yogurt, garlic, salt
• Add salt while grinding garlic
• Rice olive oil and coriander

• Pantry
• Garlic, Olives, Fresh herbs, Eggs, Lemons, Mustard, cheese, Nuts, Chicken stock, Butter, Yogurt, Carrots, Onions, Celery, Pickles
• Light olive oil for cooking and heavier one for sauces and finishes
• Find out where it comes from and how it was produced
• Look for firmness in garlics

• Toast cumin, grind with salt
• Cut to the same size so they cook evenly
• Pickle
• Add spices as you wish
• Cook each vegetable separately

• Use overripe fruits to create jam, water, fruit and honey

• Herbs are important

• Frying herbs in olive oil to heighten the taste

• Strong herbs

  • Rosemary, thyme, Savory

• Soft herbs

  • Chervil (French parsley), chives, cilantro (coriander), mint

• Salsa Verde (vinegar, salt, olive oil, herbs)

  • Parsley, chervil, tarragon, lemon zest (for fish and spring vegetables)
  • Parsley, savory, shallot, horseradish (for beef)
  • Parsley, thyme, fried sage, shallots (for winter squash)
  • Parsley, thyme, mint, shallots

• Mixed salad

  • Cut off lower part
  • Hand rip it and create your own mix
  • Be sure to dry it
  • On dry towel, roll it and store in fridge till making salad

• Salads

  • Rocket lettuce (Argula) (slightly spicy)
  • Soft herbs
  • Frisee
  • Dandelione greens
  • Red Oakleaf
  • Spekled salad
  • Radishes
  • Kale (sautée)

• Chez Panisse

  • All cooks taste dishes together
  • Prepare the dishes simply

• Galette

  • Flour, sugar, salt, butter, apples, frangipane
  • Mix sugar, salt and flour
  • Butter cold in small pieces, coat butter in flour and press in flat pieces
  • 1/3 of the cold water, mix with large fork
  • Continually drizzle with water and work it in with fork
  • Gentilly press dough together to see if enough water
  • Tearing and stacking -> butter layers
  • Knead it very slightly to pull it together
  • Rest it in the fridge for 30min
  • 10min before rolling remove from fridge (so butter doesn’t shatter), too warm will be too soft, unmanageable and absorb too much flour
    • Flour area and top of dough, press down on dough to enlarge, roll it
  • Pinch small cracks together (so doesn’t get bigger)
  • Brush off extra flour, fold (to quarter) to brush off other side
  • Ring with fruits, fragipan & almond paste in middle (or sugar and flour) (absorb extra juice and seal & complimentary flavor)
  • Distribute fruits (nice pattern)
  • Curl the outside of the dough (like dumplings) pinching and stretching
  • Brush apples and crust with melted butter
  • Sprinkle sugar over it
  • 205C preheat oven, bake it and turn around a bit
  • On rack so bottom can crust
  • Apple glaze
    • Apple peels, sugar, water

• if everyone likes it, it means sth is not right. some people have to dislike it to be great
• last decade there has been a shift to generic boring graphic, it has lost rebellious
• learn to trust your intuition

• people looking at existing things and looking it in different ways
• gather things in groups of color combinations that could go together
• use your environment, see things that nobody else sees
• bring what only you can bring to the project, nobody has your background, upbringing, parents