The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Happy marriages are based on deep friendship
Mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company
Well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams
Friendship fuels the flames of romance
purpose of marriage to support each other’s hopes and build a sense of purpose
Understand the bottom-line differences that causes the conflict and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.

3. How I Predict divorce

1. Harsh Start-Up

the way a problem is addressed
negative power in the words
sarcasm

2. The 4 Horsemen (lethal to a relationship)

Criticism
- Difference between complaint and criticism
- complaint focuses on specific behavior or event
- 1. How I feel, 2. About a very specific situation 3. What I need/want/prefer
- Criticism is global and expresses negative feelings about others character or personality
Contempt
- A sense of superiority over another
- name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, hostile humor
- when goal is not to resolve issue but to dress someone down
- contemptuous couples more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (flu, colds)
Defensiveness
- Defending oneself rarely has the desired effect, it is a way of blaming your partner
- Other person won’t acknowledge the defense
Stonewalling
- Act as though one couldn’t care less about what is being said

3. Flooding

Happens when physically or psychologically overwhelmed
more hypervigilant for cues that other person is about to “blow” again

4. Body language

physically distressing flooding -> heart rate 100+ bpm
Adrenaline and high blood pressure
impossible to have productive discussion when one is in fight or flight mode
ability to process information is reduced, harder to pay attention and less creative and humor
fight (critical, contemptuous or defensive) of flee (stonewall)

Female soothe quicker and calm down faster after stress because of natural selection (more relaxed more milk)
Male cardiovascular system remains more active and slower to recover from stress
Males are 85% the ones to stonewall
Men are more easily overwhelmed by martial conflict

Occasional flooding is normal
If feeling flooded routinely -> emotional distancing -> feeling lonely -> emotionally disconnected -> given up

5. Failed repair attempts

Repair attempts decrease emotional tensions, lower stress levels and it’s negative effects
Failure of repair predict 90+% of divorces
Even if four Horsemen are high but gets repaired, 84% of couples were still stable & happily married after 6 years

6. Bad Memories

With negativity the past might be rewritten, more bad memories, distorted memories
happy marriages look back on the early days fondly

See martial problems as severe 2. talking seems useless, solve on their own 3. lead parallel lives 4. loneliness sets in

betrayal is usually a symptom of a dying marriage
how you engage with each other when not fighting is more important than conflict resolution
strengthen friendship and trust are at the heart of any marriage

4. Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

need to have space for basics of wife’s world and not caught up in work, even if intellectually gifted
pay attention to details of spouse’s life
emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world, love maps
knowledge springs love and fortitude to weather marital storms
67% drop in marital satisfaction after first time becoming parents (big life changes)
always make each other their priority always talking and catch up on each other’s day
having a child reshuffles women’s values and notion of who they are
stay deeply connected to keep up to date to changes
Know each other with question games
To Know You is to Love You
It’s a lifelong process

5. Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration are two most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance
Feel that the other is worthy of honor and respect
query them about the past to detect embers of positive feelings
get habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate
tell them what you observed and that you are grateful for
if you are angry or stressed you tend to focus on negative characteristics
focus on your partners positive characteristics

6. Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Couples who engage in lots of interactions tend to remain happy
Turning toward each other
let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life
turning towards each other funds emotional bank account
1. Missing a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion
- not recognize a bid for connection because it comes as criticism
- respond by oh, you’re right, sorry
- before replying defensively, pause, search for a bid underneath the harsh words, focus on the bid
1. Being distracted by the wired world
- addiction in which distraction itself becomes a habit
- intimate relationship requires habit of being aware and paying attention
- mobile devices enable turning away
- couples ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness and not malice
keep an account how much your partner has been connecting with you
don’t turn it into a competition
goal is to notice how your partner has been turning toward and giving
listening to venting carefully, not really listening makes them feel more frustrated
respond to each other’s venting with empathy and without judgment
silver lining in partners negative emotion is to strengthen your trust by listening
Stress Reducing Conversations
- take turns
- show genuine interest
- don’t give unsolicited advice
  - don’t do something, just be there
  - she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion
  - Understanding must precede advice
  - only when you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma, only then is other open
- communicate your understanding
- Take your partner’s side
  - expressing support even if you think her perspective is unreasonable
- express we against others attitude
- show affection
- validate emotions
You’re obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?
Coping with your partner’s sadness, fear and anger
- acknowledge the difficulty
- self-soothe
- the goal is to understand
- use explorative statements and open-ended questions
- don’t ask why
- bear witness
- use your partner’s metaphors
- ask what’s missing
- don’t try to cheer up your partner
- don’t ever tell your partner to calm down
- search out the goal and obstacle
- don’t minimize it
honor and respect each other, able to appreciate each other’s point of view

7. Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships
not willing to share power had an 81% chance to self-destruct
most stable when husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife
actively search for common ground
women rarely responded with increasing negativity
man uses one of the four horsemen to resist wife’s influence
compliant wife who doesn’t feel empowered would likely become depressed
figure out how to convey honor and respect
loving and esteeming your spouse
when man accept influence, he also strengthens friendship (open to learning)
women tend to be more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings
when young boys play, priority tends to be the game itself
girlish games offer better preparation for marriage, focused on relationships
biology is likely the cause for the difference
boys only accept influence from boys when they play, girls accept from both genders equally
no formal structure to interact until puberty
35% men are emotionally intelligent
important how to honor and convey respect for wife
men who accept influence are outstanding fathers
one needs to yield in order to win
80% of time wife who brings up sticky martial issues, while men avoid discussing them
let the other person feel what they say really counts
if difficulty accepting influence
- acknowledge this tendency
- talk about it with your spouse
- take responsibility for the difficulty of power-sharing
- let partner gently point out instances where one was unwittingly domineering, defensive or disrespectful

8. The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

Marriage is a union of individuals who bring in their own opinions, personalities, quirks and values
marital conflicts fall into solvable or perpetual problems
important to identify, define disagreements, coping strategies depending which type of problem
69% of problems are perpetual
can still remain very satisfied even with unmovable problems, find a way to deal with it so you don’t overwhelm
live with it and approach it with good humor
don’t need to resolve major marital conflicts for marriage to thrive
how to deal with it
- constantly working it out
- keep acknowledging the problem & talk about it
- prevent it from overwhelming the relationship
- approach with humor
being gridlocked can kill marriage
- same conversation about it over and over again
- make no headway
- increasingly hurt, frustrated, and disrespectful to each other
- “let’s just agree to disagree” won’t work, shoving it under the rug but the rug bunches
avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement
signs of gridlock
- feel rejected by your partner
- keep talking and make no headway
- become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge
- discussing subject make you feel more frustrated and hurt
- conversations about problem are devoid of humor, amusement or affection
- become unbudgeable, vilify each other during conversations
- turn more extreme in your views and less willing to compromise
- disengage from each other emotionally
the is a way out of gridlocks (principle 6)
- motivation
- willingness to explore the hidden issues
unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlock
In a disagreement try
- soft start-up
- effective use of repair attempts
- monitor your physiology for warning signs of flooding
- learn to compromise
- become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections

Solvable problems

Simply because a problem is solvable doesn’t mean it gets solved
seem less painful, gut-wrenching or intense
Driving too fast can be both solvable and perpetual
- perpetual: arguing about bigger issues like trust, security, selfishness
- solvable: situational, don’t vilify each other,
if solvable are not solved it could turn into a perpetual problem
Negative emotions are important
- negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better
- learn to express negative emotions allowing other to listen without feeling attacked
No one is right
- there are only 2 subjective ones
Acceptance is crucial
- it is impossible for someone to heed an advice unless they feel understood, respected and accepted
- when feeling criticized, they will be unable to change, feel under siege and dig themselves in
- communicate basic acceptance of your partners personality
- the extra time of better wording is worth it
- children thrive when we express our understanding and respect of their emotions
- negative ones are ok to have, feel positive about themselves
focus on fondness and admiration
- partner’s shortcomings as amusing parts of the whole package
For a marriage to go one, pardon each other and give up on past resentments

9. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

respect each other and open to each other’s point of view, good basis to resolve differences
lose your way when trying to persuade each other
popular approach (by marital therapists) but many couples can’t do
- put yourself in your partner’s shoes
- listening intently
- communicate with empathy
- see dilemma from other persons perspective
alternative way that also works
- soften your start-up
- learn to make and receive repair attempts
- soothe yourself and each other
- compromise
- process any grievances

1. soften your start-up

wife is likely to bring up touchy issues to push to resolve while husbands try to distance
men tend to experience flooding more easily -> avoid confrontations
absence of the four horsemen, no criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling
harsh startup begin with four horsemen and leads to flooding, increased emotional distance
taking some responsibility is very important for a soft start up
- I share some responsibility for this …
- Here’s how I feel …
- about a specific situation
- Here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need)
focus on your negative emotions and look for the longing behind those feelings
soft startup doesn’t need to be diplomatic, but absolutely no criticism or contempt
if other person starts with a hard startup
- make sure that other person is feeling known, respected and loved
- let them know you accept their influence
complying with minor requests avoids escalating situations
A soft startup is the optimum strategy for resolving the conflict
if too angry then best is not to discuss till calmed down
Complain but don’t blame
- simply complain about a particular situation but not partner’s personality
- however justified blaming personality, it is not productive
make statements that start with I instead of You
- focus on how I feel than accusing other person
Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge
Be clear about your positive need
- don’t expect them to be mind readers
Be polite
Be appreciative
- if they handled better in past, appreciate what they did in past, you miss it
Don’t store things up

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts

repair attempt de-escalates the tension, other person is more receptive to finding a compromise
repair attempts get through if air hasn’t been clouded by negativity
Getting the message through
- state of relationship is what makes it effective or not
- happy relationship, go through with ease
- unhappy, fall on deaf ears
repair attempts aren’t always sugarcoated
listen to words than tone, can be negative delivery but is repair attempt (you’re getting off topic!)
when engulfed in negativity
- make attempts obviously formal
I feel (more examples on page 176)
- I’m getting scared
- Please say that more gently
- Did I do something wrong?
- That hurt my feelings
- I am starting to feel flooded
I need to calm down
- I need things to be calmer right now
- I just need your support right now
- Can I take that back?
- Can we take a break?
Sorry
- My reactions were too extreme. Sorry
- Let me try again
- I want to gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how
- Tell me what you hear me saying
Get to Yes
- Let’s compromise here
- Let’s find our common ground
- I never thought of things that way
Stop action
- I might be wrong here
- Please stop
I appreciate
- My part of this problem …
- I see your point
- Thank you for …
- I understand

3. Soothe yourself and each other

It’s harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s
end discussion when feeling flooded, let them know
take at least 20min break
avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood
do something soothing like music, taking a walk or reading
- don’t use that time to nurse your anger or rehearse arguments
meditative techniques
- focus on breathing, deep and regular breath
- relax your muscles, squeeze and release them
- let tension flow, feel how heavy muscle groups are
relaxing makes people better able to work on conflicts
Soothe your partner
- calmed by spouse associate you with feelings of relaxation
- partner needs to decide on methods and enjoy it
if hear rate exceeds 100 (80 for athletes) you won’t be able to hear no matter what you try

4. compromise

compromise is only way to solve marital problems
compromise is negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other
accept your partner’s flaws and foibles
cherishing what you have instead of what if partner were more…
exercise to help
- sit separately
- draw one big and smaller circle inside it
- Inner circle: aspects of problem that you can’t give in on (as few as possible)
- Outer circle: what you can compromise on (as large as possible)
- yielding to win
- 1. what do we agree about?
- 1. what are our common feelings and most important feelings
- 1. what common goals can we have?
- 1. How can we understand this situation or issue
- 1. How do we think we should accomplish these goals
- revisit after a while to see if it worked, if not do it again

5. dealing with emotional injuries

arguments leave scars, residual damage is emotional injury
all experience is subjective
share your subjective reality and what you needed
- why you think you had those feelings
identify and explore your triggers
we are all complicated creatures
what’s one thing I can do to avoid having this kind of regrettable incident or argument again

10 Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, internet fueled distractions, a new baby are most typical areas of marital conflict
emotional tasks to accomplish together, attain a rich understanding to feel safe and secure
if not, relationship will just feel like another storm
usually, conflict because of different ideas about these tasks, their importance and how to accomplish

1. Unplugging from distractions

Task:
- maintain connection and intimacy amid Internet age
- young professional couples
  - average only talk 35 minutes a week!
  - usually just “errand” talks
- self-distraction that can get in the way of real connection
Solution
- take seriously if an issue
- ban during mealtime, date night or when one needs to talk
- if you can turn off during house of worship or theaters then need to extend that respect and courtesy to spouse

Problem with Porn:

it is anti-romantic, impersonal
hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships
less frequent sex
less sexual communication
- awareness and discussion of another person’s desire is important
less mutual satisfying sex
- could seek out same stimulations in real life
- sex could become unsatisfying
Increased risk of betrayal
- if can’t live preferred fantasy
- porn is a form of relationship betrayal
- could become compulsion or addiction

2. Stress and more stress

Task:
- make marriage a place of peace
- today couples work 1000h more a year than 30y ago
- less time for talking, relaxing, eating, sleeping
Solution:
- Acknowledge that end of work day one may need time to decompress before interacting
- incidents get overblown because feeling so tense from daily stress

3. Relations with In-Laws

Task:
- establish “we-ness” or solidarity
- family tension is more frequently between wife and her mother-in-law
- there are deeper issues of values
- wife watches to see if husband backs her or his mother, “which family are you really in?”
- Men just want them to get along, loves them both, don’t want to decide
- role of peacemaker, mediator could just make situation worse
Solution:
- Side with the wife against his mother
- establish a sense of “we-ness”
- wife does indeed come first, mom will eventually adjust to the reality
- absolutely critical for husband to be firm about this
- but not doing anything that he feels demeans and dishonors his parents, or against his basic values
- insist that mom should respect their rituals, values and lifestyle

4. Money, Money, Money

Task:
- money is symbolic of many emotional needs, like safety and power
- money buys pleasure and also security
  - need to balance these economic realities
  - feelings about money and value is personal and often idiosyncratic
- usually a solvable problem with newlyweds only, as marriage goes on it gets resolved or turns into a perpetual problem (unless circumstances change)
Solution:
- Clearheaded budgeting
- work as a team on financial issue
- express your concerns, needs and fantasies to each other before making a plan
- 1. itemize your current expenditures (page 208)
- 1. manage everyday finances
- 1. plan financial future

5. Housework

Task:
- Create a sense of fairness and teamwork
- men often don’t realize how deeply women care about keeping their home in order (ofc there are always exceptions)
- when not done, wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported
- “slacker” aren’t being deliberately rude, but don’t understand that it is such a big deal to their wife
- men tend to overestimate the amount of housework they do
Solution:
- men have to do more housework
- doesn’t need to be half half, but enough for wife’s subjective view
- husband does more “brute strength” tasks like washing car, or abstract jobs like financial planning, while wife more daily drudge work
- see list on page 215
- need to be flexible in what duties one takes on depending on her needs, like when feeling especially tired
- conveys honor and respect

6. Becoming Parents

Task:
- a child is a grenade, situation after not better, not worse necessarily, but different
- 67% wives feel plummet in marital satisfaction
- for husbands it kicks in later, reaction to wife’s unhappiness
- lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated
- husband experiences the transformations to parenthood along his wife or gets left behind
- it reorients meaning of wife’s life, experience is life-altering
- if husband doesn’t go through it with her, distance will develop
- he might begrudge, how little time she has for him now, that she’s always tired, preoccupied with feeding baby
- he loves his child, but wants his wife back
Solution:
- He can’t get his wife back
- follow her into the new realm she has entered, feel like a father too, feel pride, tenderness and protectiveness towards child
- should spend time away from baby occasionally, if transitions is well they might not even need/ want to
- when relationship is secondary to role of parent, might feel stressed and confused, but is right thing to do
- important to be in it together, make parent-child relationship and marriage thrive
- Focus on marital friendship
  - before baby comes, make sure to really understand each other and respective intimate world
- Don’t exclude dad from baby care
  - wife casts herself as supervisory role, directing and ordering -> husbands will withdraw -> feel more excluded
  - new mother must back off, there is more than a way to burp up a baby
  - child will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style
  - unless it is really unsafe, then direct him to pediatrician or baby-care guides
  - gentle advice giving are fine, (no lectures or criticism as it will backfire)
  - dads could feel jealous of mom child bond
- Let dad be baby’s playmate
  - women tend to be more nurturing, while men are more playful
  - newborns can also be great playmates
- carve out time for the two of you
  - use a babysitter
  - get some time alone with each other
  - discussing about baby during that time is ok, it means succeeding
- Be sensitive to Dad’s needs
  - dad might feel deprived by baby’s overwhelming endless need for wife
  - he’s going to miss his wife
  - wife needs to know what he has given up and acknowledge it, let him how central he still is to her life
  - be understanding and supportive
- Give mom a break
  - likely to be exhausted
  - he should modify his work hours

7. Sex

Task:
- Fundamental appreciations and acceptance of each other
- significant obstacle to happy sex life is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly
- couples “vague out”, make it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other
- discussions often are indirect, imprecise, inconclusive
- often in hurry to end discussion, hopefully miraculously understand each other’s desires without much talk
- when communications is fought with tension, frustration and hurt feelings result
Solution:
- learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that feels safe
- list (page 225)

Five ways to make sex more personal

1. redefine what you mean by “sex”
- when sex is technique rather than passion and communication, sexual anxiety develops
- both become self-conscious, becomes difficult to talk about
- stop thinking that sex is about orgasm
- consider everything positive that happens between you as part of sex
- goal-oriented approach can lead to sexual dysfuction
- men should be more present and just enjoy the sensation of pillow talk, touching, caressing, kissing and so on
- connection
1. learn how to talk about “IT”
- usually not know how to express without sounding critical or embarrassed
- Be gentle and positive
- no reason to be judgmental, to criticize because not talking about sth bad
- brainstorm and share perspectives on how to make a good thing better
- Be patient with each other
- might have feeling of shame, difficult to acknowledge
- go slowly, talk about feelings concerning sex itself first
- Don’t take it personally
- goal is to explore what works for each of you
- Compromise
- decide what feels okay and safe and what doesn’t
- shift focus from sex to sensuality
1. chart your sexual love maps
- see page 231
- read book: what makes love last
1. have ongoing conversations about sexual intimacy
- talk about it from time to time
1. learn how to initiate sex -- and to refuse it gently
- learn to say “Sorry, I’m not in the mood” that doesn’t feel hurtful or rejecting
- can be difficult to cope with being turned down
- could have an agreed-upon “ritual” before sex
- suggest using a scale from 1 to 9, 1 meaning not at all amorous, 5 I’m convinceable to 9 let’s do it
Refusing Sex gently (page 234)
Coping with “no”
- there should be no negative consequences if the partner says no
- husbands should reward their wives for saying no
The more you can hear, understand and respect your partner’s no about any marital issue, the more yes there will be in your relationship

11. Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

All couples have irreconcilable differences
When not able to accommodate these perpetual disagreements -> turn into gridlock -> eventually view partner as selfish -> entrenched in position, compromise impossible
Usually basic differences in personality or lifestyle preferences
Identify gridlock
- You’ve had same argument over and over again with no resolution
- Neither can address it with humor, empathy or affection
- Issue becomes polarizing with time
- Compromise seem impossible, seems like would need to give up on something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self
more adept with 6 principles the less likely to end up having gridlocks, as you know and trust each other, easily handle
significant key to prevent gridlock is to look out for those small moments where you miss each other’s needs
don’t need to solve gridlocks but manage to keep it from overwhelming you
Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams in your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged or doesn’t respect
- hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning
A problem if dreams not respected or if you keep it hidden
- fights only express it symbolically
- restaurant vs home meal is symbolic of what makes each of them feel loved
When dreams are respected
- happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other to realize
- partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about
- work it out as a team, taking into account each other’s wishes and desires
- marriage incorporates supporting dreams from both
When dreams are hidden
- when either isn’t aware or fully appreciates gridlock is formed
Openly discuss why their position was so important to them
open up about the history behind their position
Don’t need to fully solve problem but learn to live with it peacefully
Become a dream detective
identify with dreams are fueling the conflict
when you consider your spouse to be the source of the marital difficulty -> sign of a hidden dream
uncovering a hidden dream is challenging
unlikely to emerge until marriage is a safe place to talk about it
Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations
common to feel not entitled to their dreams, desires feel childish or impractical -> still won’t end the longing for it
need to honor the dream, if you burry it, it will only resurface as a gridlock conflict

Working on a Gridlocked Issue

after beginning to recognize and acknowledge your dreams, problem will get worse before improving
be patient, acknowledge that its not easy
- Step 1: Explore the dreams
- write an explanation of your position, don’t criticize or blame
- focus on needs, wants and feelings about the situation
- write story of the hidden dreams that underlie your position
- explain where they come from and why they are meaningful
- each should have time to talk uninterrupted
- don’t try to solve any problems now, will only backfire
- simply understand why each feels so strongly about the issue
- Speaker’s job
  - Talk honestly
  - Describe the dream
  - Explain where it comes from and what it symbolizes
  - Be clear and honest why it’s so important
  - Don’t try to censor or downplay your feelings
- Listener’s job
  - Suspend judgement
  - Don’t take their dream personally even if it clashes
  - Don’t think up rebuttals or ways to solve problem
  - just hear the dream and encourage other person to explore it
- Three levels of honoring your partner’s dreams
  - express understanding of the dream and be interested in learning more about it
  - actively enable the dream
  - become a part of the dream
- acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest most personal hopes and dreams is essential
- getting past gridlocks is not necessarily to become a part of each other’s dreams, but to honor these dreams
Step 2: Soothe
- It can be stressful
- Pay attention how each is reacting, and alert if you feel signs of stress
- If flooding occurs try using repairs or take a break
Step 3: Reach a temporary compromise
- initial compromise, purpose is not to solve the conflict, only make it amicable
- page 254 for instructions (two circle methods)
Step 4: Say Thank you
Be patient with the process and each other
Making progress when it feels less loaded to both and can use a sense of humor

12. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Even a devout feminist who prided herself on her independence will feel something is lacking, want to feel more like a family
Create an inner life together, a deeper sense of shared meaning
create a culture between you two, customs, rituals and myths
honor each other’s dreams even if you don’t always share them, incorporate both dreams and be flexible enough to change as you grow and develop
rewarding marriage is more than just sidestepping conflict
open to each other’s perspective
create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions
The more shared meaning you can find the deeper, richer and more rewarding your relationship will be

Four Pillars of Shared Meaning

1. Rituals of connection
- creating a ritual is a powerful antidote to tendency to disconnect
- it is a structural event/ routine that you each enjoy and depend on and reinforces your sense of togetherness
- common for people to not discuss what traditions symbolize to them
- recognize ongoing values and significance to further your identity as a family
1. Support for each other’s roles
- roles are sense of our place in the world
- either can add meaningfulness and harmony or can create tension
- deep expectations of yourself and your spouse
1. Shared goals
- goals make life meaningful
- increase intimacy by sharing your deepest objectives
- work together to achieve shared goals
1. Shared values and symbols
- Values and beliefs
- belief system that determines their perspective on life
Exercise: Using the four pillars to create meaning (page 272)

Afterword: what now?

just a small and gentle shift can have dramatic, positive effects over time
build on the change and keep it going
only an extra six hours a week can make it more successful
- Partings: learn one thing that will happen in your spouse’s upcoming day
Reunions
- hug and a kiss, six-second kiss
- stress reducing conversation
Admiration and appreciation
- communicate genuine affection and appreciation
Affection
Weekly date
- just the two of you time 2h once a week
State of the union meeting
- talk about the relationship this week
- what went right
- which issues may have arisen
working briefly on marriage every day will do more for health and longevity than gym and health club
“expert” claim unhappy marriages are due to overblown expectations, one should lower expectations (FALSE)
People with the greatest expectations wind up with highest-quality relationships
hold your relationship to high standards
insist on gently confronting each other when contempt, or defensiveness shows up
talk about issues while they are still minor, before they build up steam

Forgive yourself

two sources causing chronically critical
1. emotionally unresponsive partner
1. self-doubt that comes from within
- continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or accept it when it is offered
- difficult to rejoice in what’s right with spouse and marriage
- problem is that they tend to focus on what’s missing and overlook the fine qualities that are there, that have been taken for granted
- accept yourself with all of your flaws
- forgive myself
- be aware of your tendency to criticize, focus on what is right
- what you have and what others contribute
- genuinely appreciate them, find one feature for each person, ignore shortcomings
acknowledge your own mistakes
admit having messed up and still be ok, builds forgiveness of self